A couple of months ago, I went to lunch with several clergy colleagues in my area, all of whom were men. We had a fabulous lunch, and were at the cash to pay when a woman approached and informed the server she wanted to pay the bills of “the three men behind that lady,” and pointed to me. I witnessed the entire exchange, felt extremely embarrassed, paid quickly, and left in a hurry. Once in my car, I felt an overwhelming amount of rage. Not because I didn’t get a free lunch, but because of the assumptions and societal norms that had to be at play for the entire exchange to take place. I’m sure the whole thing was innocent and good-willed on the part of the woman, but the assumptions behind the moment—whether or not the woman was aware she had them—are not.
Of course, to talk about these assumptions, I have to make some assumptions of my own. I am assuming she paid for the lunches of my colleagues because she knew or assumed they were all clergy. My rage was ignited because her generosity towards them meant she, for some reason, assumed that I was not a member of the clergy. I wondered: what about the situation spoke to this being the truth? Was it the fact that I wore leggings and a sweater (which are the only clothes in my closet that my pregnant body will currently accept)? Was it the fact that I was younger than my ministerial colleagues? Or was it because I am a woman? Maybe it was some combination of all three. Or maybe it was none of these things at all.
Regardless, the moment was a jolt to the system. It reminded me that, no matter how far we’ve come in the world of equality for women, women clergy members still have to climb invisible ladders—ladders that men will never have to climb. These assumptions, those first thoughts that people have, the ones that will either guide their actions or at least cloud their perception of the women clergy they meet—we will always be fighting against them. This playing field is not yet equal and, quite honestly, I’m not certain it ever will be.
I lament this truth. I lament it and I accept it. I will keep showing up. I will keep claiming the space and the call that God has given me. I will be gracious and courageous. I will not allow the people in my communities to keep holding onto assumptions that harm women, regardless of how harmless they seem. And I will do all this in the name of making it at least a little easier for the next woman who hears God calling her to this vocation, in the hope that one day she can be with a group of male colleagues and be seen as an equally important part of the ministry of God.
