I bought my wife a blanket for Christmas. It’s a fuzzy, warm, black blanket, just about large enough for two people. I thought it was pretty nice—a cozy cover-up for the cold winter nights ahead.
She saw through it right away.
For one thing, she’s not all that fussy on black. She had also just recently got another blanket, which is also pretty nice (though not as comfortable as the one I got for her, in my opinion).
No, the truth is… I got it for me.
Have you ever done that? Gotten someone a gift that you probably like more than they do, consciously or unconsciously, because you’re looking forward to using it? It’s probably not the most sensitive thing to do, but nobody’s perfect.
I did get her other stuff too, thank goodness. I’m pretty sure she has forgiven me.
Why is it that so many of us have such a hard time with forgiveness? I meet so many people who, when the subject comes up, confess that there are people in their lives whom they simply cannot forgive. They know the Bible. They believe strongly in the love of Jesus. They are good people, trying to learn and grow and be closer to God. And yet, forgiveness is so often elusive. It sometimes just seems so hard to forgive someone, even when you know that you should.
And I think that’s because we get forgiveness wrong. We don’t actually understand it, and so it becomes a barrier to living lives of love. We tend to think of it as letting someone “get away” with doing wrong to us or saying, “It’s okay that you hurt me.” We treat it like it’s relieving someone of the consequences of their actions, and so we deny forgiveness out of a sense of justice.
But forgiveness is not for the person you’re forgiving. It really isn’t. It’s for you.
Let’s say someone rear-ends my car, causing damage to my vehicle and injury to me. They drive off, never to be seen again. They’ve hurt me, and I’m angry and bitter about it. But my anger and bitterness have absolutely no effect on the person who did it. They don’t even know me. Likewise, should I choose to forgive them, my forgiveness doesn’t affect them either. They wouldn’t even know.
But for me, the forgiveness I’ve offered means that the anger and bitterness no longer live in my heart. I can let them go and so live in greater freedom. I don’t have to carry the sins of the other person with me, weighing me down and keeping me from experiencing a greater love in my life.
Or I could not forgive… and, in my heart, the person just keeps hurting me over and over, forever.
Do you see? Forgiveness isn’t a gift of relief for the other person. It’s a grace given to us by God for our own freedom. It’s the ability to repent of those negative things that keep us from loving our neighbour as ourselves.
When we ask God for forgiveness, it’s not a gift for us; it’s a request that God lets go of anger for the wrongs that we have done so that our relationship is restored. That’s the point of the death and resurrection of Jesus: God letting us know that no anger or resentment remains and that we are loved.
So, if you have trouble forgiving someone else—if it’s a gift you struggle to give—remember, it’s not really for them. It’s for you. And through it, you are comforted and free.
